This past week Autumn and I had a couple of sad days but I think we're done without the self loathing.
On Friday I had a doctor's appointment with my other oncologist. A little more confident after my positive meeting on Wednesday I dared to ask braver questions: "What's the prognosis of my disease? Can I live 60 more years?" The oncologist answered, "On paper the odds of living another 10 to 15 years aren't as great as we'd like but we'll have to see." My heart sank.
Just getting married, with brights plans of a future together, starting a family with children, it's tough not to let those numbers go into your head. Will I see my unborn children graduate high school? Will my 9 month old dog out live me? It's all really sad.
My cousin Sandy, who eariler this year completed rounds of chemotherapy to eliminate her own cancer, guided me along, "No one in the world knows how long he will live. We go ahead with our lives assuming that we'll be very old when we die. It's all so surreal when we finally see that we are mortal beings. The thing is, we've always been mortal. We just didn't think about it until something scary happened. You make your plans for your future, Jeff. You have as much a one as anyone else in this world."
And she's so right! Just this past month my friend's son died of a sudden heart failure and another friend's sister died from a freak car accident. We just don't know what the future holds.
So I'm going to fight for those next 60 years if not more and make all the plans for a future. There's a lot of great research out there and the medical field is changing fast, so we're all going to cross our fingers for a cure.
If there's one thing I know about my future it's that I'm going to enjoy the hell enjoy out of every single day: wake up with a smile, hug my beautiful wife and kiss my children (just Benson & Hemo for now).
p.s. I also got told on Friday that this is likely going to take more than 6 rounds of chemo before it's beat. Tear,