Friday, February 4, 2011

The internal vs. External

Over the past couple of weeks, ever since i got back from Dallas, I've been struggling with this discord between how how darn gorgeous I look on the outside compared to the internal daily, life and death situations occurring on the battle fields of my body and organs. I've always masked the numbers from my blog, knowing they are just numbers but recently I have been wanting to educate my friends and family on the gravity and reality of this disease. There is no cure and death is a constant topic I think about each day, even while trying to take advantage of each moment. I wish and pray that I had diabetes or breast cancer or leukemia, one of these diseases that scare you, make you feel mortal but inevitably are manageable.

I never imagined the intense physical pain and discomfort that would come along with my own disease. Sitting bedside to use a urinal requires high dose painkillers and taking a shower remains one of then most painful activities of the week.

I take each day one at a time and when I reference closure or an end, that's exactly what I want: an end to the pain, comfort to the turmoil of this disease and some peace to the end of the day for well needed rest. Sometimes I think paralysis would bring some solace; at least I wouldn't be able to feel the pain. Other times i think this slow struggle is from my grandparents, whom loved me so much, and yearn again for our upcoming reunion.


  1. Oh Jeff, I pray for God to ease your pain and to give you stength to endure your discomfort. I feel so blessed that you have touched my life. May you feel God's presence and His love for you today.

  2. Inside and out, you are a ray of light to so many. We all continue to pray for your comfort as we yearn for your updates. Thank you for such honesty and bravery. You are truly an inspiration.

  3. Jeff,
    I have kept up-to-date on your blog since your first posting last June and although I haven't posted comments, I wanted to let you know that I continually pray for you - for strength, for comfort, and for peace. You are an extremely brave and strong fighter and are an inspiration to many.
    ~Cheryl Severson

  4. Jeff, I think of you often, and I pray for healing, relief from pain, and peace within your heart. If each one of us could take some pain away from you and endure it ourselves, you know that we would. You have so many people that love and care for you, and I hope that provides you a small measure of comfort. Keep your chin up and keep fighting.

  5. Hi Jeff,
    Noah and I are thinking about and praying for you and Autumn. We hate that you have to suffer in this way and wish your body could go back to a time before this pain.

    Please let us know if there's anything we can send you from Colombia. Did you get the coffee we sent back in the fall? We'd love to send more if you liked it.

    All of our love,
    Marcela and Noah

  6. Jeff,

    It was great to met you back in November. I pray for God to give you some relief, some healing, some release. You do have a new body waiting for you, but God has more for you to do here until that time.

    Think about all the people you are an inspiration too and all the people that are learning through you. Think of all the good you are doing and all the hope and faith that you are giving others. You are touching lives and making a difference. You are one of God's soliders, brother.

    Praying for you!

  7. Jeff, more of the same coming at you, thinking of you, wishing for relief for you, keeping you on my mind.

  8. Jeff,
    Always thinking about you and hoping your pain goes far away. Wish I could take your pain away, put it on a Ft. Worth rodeo bull and buck it out of this universe. Stay strong.